Waiting is so hard.
As children we learn to “wait our turn”- “wait in line”- “wait until you’re old enough.” We get older and “wait on acceptance letters” - “wait to drive vehicles” - “wait for loan approvals.” We constantly are asked to “wait.” I think I have have always been a long term dreamer, I rarely wait. Last fall, I went with my good friend Becca to Oktoberfest in Munich. I have wanted to attend the REAL Oktoberfest since college, and with finally having a “grown up job” and a little disposable income we made this pipe dream happen. I am so glad we pulled the trigger, bought the authentic dirndl dresses, and danced with locals on benches cheering, singing, and drinking from large beer mugs. Not even two weeks have passed since I heard the words, “You have advanced Colon Cancer.” They landed so clumsy on my ears, and paused heavy in my throat before I shared them with my Dad and Mom just outside the outpatient waiting room. Being diagnosed with cancer this year was definitely NOT in my plans. 🤷♀️( Not even my long term ones.) People don’t sit and dream of doctors appointments, blood draws, tests, endless beeps, surgery’s, chemo ports, more doctors and CAT scans- another colonoscopy (just for good measure.) Who would?! Talk about a ‘shift’ in my mental direction. No longer am I planning my next trip around the Wonderland Trail this August with my Brother Carl (that will have to WAIT). No longer am I booking my VRBO in Maui this December (That will have to WAIT). How about my corporate trip to Barcelona? (That will have to WAIT.) I feel like my world has become each hour, each day, each moment- ONE at a time- taking the next indicated step. I feel like in some ways I am moving at a snails pace- walking physically so slowly, holding my tummy, and wearing a binder... relying on those around me to accomplish the simplest of tasks. (I.e. putting my socks on?!) 🤦♀️ Where I am not having to wait is this “ride”- the speedy rollercoaster of professional Cancer Killers who are focusing on saving my life. They are going full steam ahead looking at options, cures, trials and such to heal me. From day #1 discovering my tumor to today, there has been very little waiting, and very much action. I am so forever grateful for the team of people fighting with me to SAVE my life. 💪🏻 Bad joke but I keep saying I feel like I’m in “Make A Wish” this week- More like “Make a dream” happen... Many who know me, know I bought a cute (but crappy) little house with so many hidden issues. I have had a vision for the backyard and slowly as funds, time, and energy have allowed, I’ve chipped away at creating this dream oasis. It is far from done, lol. I am however redeeming this little piece of property from its abusive past life. The day I got home from surgery my buddies helped finish and install the National Park fire pit ring I had bought. The past two days Mr. Pete Kingsolver has come over and has worked endlessly on wiring my deck and covered area to create my dream outdoor “room.” Today Warren and Kyle brought T & G to enclose all the electrical and finish my exposed deck covering. I purchased BIG cedar slabs and Kyle is building my raised garden beds- BIG picture?! No time to wait... Anyone who knows ME, knows I love the outdoors, fresh air, gardening... IF I’m going to spend my Spring and Summer “sick”- it’s going to be bundled up on my back deck- I want to watch LIFE go by, gardens grow, dogs run, yard games be played, bon fires burned, s’mores made. I choose not to be in my bedroom- shades drawn. I want to live. My big picture dreams just are becomeing shorter, more focused. No TIME to WAIT. ❤️ Anyone have a fence connection? 😜💪🏻🤷♀️ ** I should also mention awesome friends who juiced astonishing amounts of veggies for me to drink this week! Thank you!!
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My extra long draft of “Hospital Musings” will have to wait and be posted in a few days. 😜 This update in my cancer “ride” seems a little more important- Yet, is proving to be much more difficult to write. (And much less fun!) I have so many words, so often, and tonight I have sat...STARING at the blank blog sheet trying to find a way to share this mornings pathology news. (Sarah, take a breath... breathe deep, repeat.) My phone rang a little after 9am- I was still in bed, resting, feet elevated to get rid of all the nasty fluids I was pumped with for 4 days at the hospital. Life saving fluids (none-the-less) puffy legs, calves, and ankles are far from comfortable, or attractive. 😐 When I answered it was my amazing surgeon Dr. Levin, he is easily one of the people I associate with saving my life to this point- He’s the one who rushed my surgery, booked late additional OR hours, did my bowel dissection, removed my tumor and decided to make the call to open me up big time when my blood pressure spiked crazily into ‘stroke zone’... in opening me up he found more lymph nodes to take for biopsy, and more areas to scrap for concerning discoloration. He keeps apologizing about my large scar...all I see is a battle wound, inflicted by someone who saved me on the operation table, and saved me for today’s news. He single handedly has given me the OPTION and the CHANCE to fight. His voice was steady and he apologized for waking me up (mine was still groggy from my narcotic induced sleep.) He proceeded to tell me that the long awaited pathology report had come in, that he had some good news. My heart jumped thinking, ‘that was it, they got it with the surgery!!’ The good news was that the bowel disection on either side of the tumor had clean margins negative for cancer. 💪🏻 Boom. The rest of the news is that I have a Adenocarcinoma Stage 3B. Basically of the 29 lymph nodes they removed, one big one presented cancer, the dark areas of concern showed Tumor transfer, but no measilureable tumor growth... long and short, next step is Chemo. 🤮🤮🤮 I have an appointment with my oncologist on Tuesday the 27th and they will present me with the “plan” and my “options.” This will probably move swiftly- but why not!? This entire ‘ride’ seems to operate in warp speed. In other news- I moved home from the hospital and had my first day at home yesterday. The sun peaked out and Kyle bundled me up and put me on the porch. Kyle, Dad and my buddy Chad came over and built the fire pit I had been working on/dreaming of. We ended the evening with a bbq, bon fire and sweet conversation. I napped intermittently and went to bed crazy early- but being HOME never felt so good. Next steps are pain management, healing up, NOT ripping any of my stitches, glue or wounds.... I look like a poor bruised piece of fruit- as swelling goes down, my colors are coming out. Cancer care beats you up. I am determined CANCER won’t beat me- I have so much more I want to do, places to go... people to meet- people to love on. ❤️ Interesting side note, Dr. Levin is presenting my tumor at the Cancer Care Alliance this week- it’s crazy, my case is so rare, unusual to be in someone so young, and be so progressed. I will have an ELITE ‘think tank’ of cancer specialists looking at my tumor! What a crazy “ride.” Excuse my ramblings. Tonight is my first official entry straight from my hospital bed. The past week has been so surreal, on so many levels. I have yet to fully process the time, except to say that I feel “lucky”. I may have missed St. Patrick’s Day due to a drug and pain induced stupper... but I am one of the luckiest girls around- due to my care and support team I am constantly surrounded with. Dont get me wrong, I fully credit God and faith and the fact that I am blessed beyond belief that my cancer was found/and swiftly treated (surgically removed) in one week of testing...But, lucky seems like a good word and this blog told me I “needed” a title. 🍀
So many texts, emails, phone calls and questions: Feb 26th: Regular Physical PCP Dr Appointment (got funky blood work) March 3rd: GI specialist appoinment (more funky blood) March 4th: Clearance from other doctors, and more tests with specialists. March 9th: Colonoscopy and complete with advanced Colon Cancer diagnosis March 12th: CT scan with contrast and Dye injection looking for more tumors. March 13th: Meeting/consult with GI surgeon March 14th: Emergent late evening surgery to remove tumor and free up bowels,as I was 98% blocked. Pathology to come. No idea if I need chemo yet- kindly quit asking please. I hope not. (But if so?! I WILL be doing it.) To each- his- own, but I won’t be planning to drink celery juice alone. ❤️ Cancer is funny. There is no easy way for someone to tell YOU that you have it. No easy way for you to pass along to those you care about that you have it. It just sucks. That moment SUCKS. The words hang and then fall like heavy rocks from your mouth, like your talking about ‘someone else’, anyone but yourself. As tests are rapidly done, words like; “tumor, blood count, pain, chemo and vein strength” become strangely, and too quickly common. I kept saying I felt like I got a ticket to a ‘ride’ I wanted to get off and realized I couldn’t. So, here we go... hold on folks... if I’m along for this “ride” you are all welcome to join me. Wednesday came quickly- Kyle and my folks kept me busy... the wait was short and full of quality time, doing quality things with so many that I deeply love. Drink deep in life friends- make no assumption that you are gaurenteed tomorrow. Tell people you love them, if you do. Hug babies. Cry with sad things, laugh freely when you find something funny, open that good bottle of wine you’ve been saving, light that candle you’ve used only for decor...During my 48 hours of freedom/pretending time I LIVED. I can only encourage you to also. As Marcy passed along Surgery went great: 17 inches of my bowel were removed, a fat tumor evicted and piles of associated lymph nodes were taken. Pathology and waiting is tough-but I’m learning I’m tougher and this is just step one to this sucky “ride.” I think I’ll start another post about my “Hospital musings” There are so many of them (I’ve taken notes to distract myself.) I realize this is getting long, and I blame the drugs! Tomorrow I have requested to be released to go home and heal- they have agreed. Tomorrow is a new day!! 💪🏻 Good Night to my awesome, and ever growing support network. If you haven’t heard it recently- I do LOVE you. - Sarah Ps. I LOVE all the flowers!! Thanks guys!! Mmmmm. After drawing waves from her nurses as she was wheeled away and cracking jokes with her surgical team, Sarah went into surgery Wednesday evening. Her surgery went longer than anticipated...about 4 hours. During surgery, her blood pressure became elevated and the surgical team made the decision to abort the original laparoscopic approach and switch to an open surgery. Her surgeon was able to successfully remove the tumor and the regional lymph nodes and reported that there was no visible evidence that the tumor had extended through the colon wall. Now we must wait for the final pathology and microscopic examinations of the tissues for staging and ongoing treatment.
They removed approximately 17 inches of her colon to attain the required clear margins. In what can only be credited to God, Sarah was created with enough extra colon and was able to wake up from surgery without even a temporary colostomy bag. Her mom spent the night with her Wednesday night. Sarah is recovering well, although feeling rather swollen from all the fluids. She was able to get up and walk in the hallway three times today, her niece and nephew joining her on the third. She is praying for a good night's rest. When she is ready for visitors she will let you know. Cannon Beach! We spent 24 hours (with my folks) at my “happy place.” We laughed, cried, hiked, drank good beer and good coffee, pretended and prepared.
Kyle took a red eye from AZ the night of my diagnosis, family dropped everything- and we made time for what matters most.
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